I just feel very.. unwanted?
Before I start, ill tell you, that I’m only 14 years old.. But my situation is a little complicated.. I think.
I’ve always felt a little unwanted.. I mean as far back as I can remember.
My parents divorced when I was 3. I lived 2weeks/2weeks back and forth between mum&dad.
My dad was the type where he took me camping and swimming a lot, outside stuff, but often he was in his computer room, with the door closed, while I entertained my self in our small trailer 30minutes out of town. I remember walking in on him watching p*rn quite a few times. He also went through a lot of girlfriends, I can name 7 from the time I was 5 until now.. until about 2 years ago, when his current girlfriend was out of town, and I was in his care, we would drive to an ex’s house to ‘visit’. Then they would go into the bedroom for a couple hours, to ‘talk’. I learn about sex when I was about 5, so I knew what they were doing.. heard them.. found the lube in her room. So while they did that, I would sit on the couch in her living room. It was a 2 room cabin. Now he hasn’t done that for a long time, but I gave up living with him a few months ago.. he turned out to be very manipulative, and horrible emotional to me… not in big lash outs, but little things at different times, like he was getting at something bigger.. Hard to explain, but I ended up just feeling absolutely horrible every minute I was there.
So when I left, he moved with his girlfriend to the next town over. his girlfriend of 5 years. I love her and her family, like they are my own, since I have no siblings.. But I was born when my parents were 41, so my ‘step-sisters’ are more like aunts, and their kids are more like the step-siblings. I now see my dad about twice a month, once for a weekend, and the other time for lunch. Every time we go for lunch, we have the same conversation.
‘Are you coming to visit this weekend?’
‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘so you’re not willing to make a commitment is what you’re saying? You’re just going to wait it out, and if something more important than your father comes out, then they come first.?’
‘dad, no. and you always do that, you’re very manipulation.’
‘no,no, do NOT change the subject.’
Then it goes somewhere from there.
My mum is the (or was the) complete opposite.. very clingy and overprotective.. she had about 7 miscarriages before I was born and after.. so she’s very protective. She’s lived with my step-dad for 10 years. They argue all the time now, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s usually my mum’s fault. for example, Today, they were sitting on the deck, and she stormed inside, mad as hell, because step-dad asked her to “help him pick out what kind of pizza to offer. CANT HE MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS BY NOW??!!” and when she’s mad at him, she’s mad at me, and points out all my flaws.. I feel like I always need to say the right thing, to keep them happy, but I don’t want to take sides.
Which brings me to my next point.
I’ve always been ugly.. I’ve had image problems since first grade.. it got really bad in second grade when my mum told me I was fat.. and until 3 years ago which up until then my dad and step-mum talked about my weight problem in the living room, while I was down the hallway in my bedroom. I told him I could hear him, and he responded “It’s none of your business, don’t do things we can talk about then”. People say I’ve slimmed out, I think they’re just saying that to be nice though.
I also feel bad, that I’ve never had a boyfriend. i mean, I know how crazy young we are for that, but, people my age have been dating since the age of 8.. if you can call that dating. The point is not having a boyfriend, It just sits in the back of my mind, why people have been already expressing feelings about each other for 6 years, I cant help but think there is something wrong with me.. I mean.. why haven’t I been included in this?
It got even worse this year, I met a girl, who I became really great friends with, but i’ve started to get jealous.. worst thing in a friendship, right? She is Vietnam,the nicest girl ever, shes like a mum, not boy obsessed or anything, just takes care of her little siblings all the time. She is so beautiful though, and she just takes it for granted.. people she doesn’t even know admire her, for her looks and brains, a group of people she’s never even met call her a ‘Chinese kitten’.. because she is so delicate and pretty.. I feel like im always being compared to her. Even my dad has compared me to her. And I know she would feel horrible if she knew that..
I know there was very much more that wanted to say.. I cant remember now.. maybe Ill edit later. But overall, I feel so useless and unwanted.. my dad treats me like nothing, my mum is protective but at the same time always puts me down..
I feel like I will never be wanted, or loved, no one will even ever wonder “he, I wonder ho Jennifer’s doing”
I know it’s wrong to change for people, but I’m obviously doing something wrong.
How can I improve myself? My personality?
I don’t know how to respond to a lot of the talking points in your question, but I read through it, since you had a lot to say, and I especially want to address one specific part. The boyfriend issue.
I’m just six years older than you. 20. And I guess things have changed a lot in that time. People never really started dating when I was in school until middle school, which was considered especially early by some, and some parents still believed their children shouldn’t date until high school, and some parents even had the opinion that their children should wait until college to date. That said, I’m in college now, and I know several people that have never dated or only had a couple relationships, and so what I’m telling you is there time.
I sense that you’ve grown up really fast in environments that maybe weren’t too great for developing your confidence. I feel like you’re looking to be wanted, loved, love from a boyfriend, that you’re not getting from your parents. And boyfriends, they’ll come and go, and that ‘love’ your peers have had for years probably isn’t love at all. They say people keep changing until they’re thirty, so there’s little chance that they’ll still be together at that point or even after high school. But back to my point, I think the safest and best way to seek help and confide in people will be your best of friends and school counselors if they’re available to you.
And you will meet people, maybe not today or tomorrow, but surely in the coming months or years if you put yourself out there that take you as you are, and will help you through what you’re going through. I feel confident of that. I tried changing for people once and it left me with no friends and more lonely than I was previously. You can’t change your personality for long before you’re tired of putting on a front for everybody.
I hope this helps some.
Im so sorry about your family problems. But it’s very good that you have a good freind to influence to you (I hope). Don’t feel ugly, about 6 months ago also felt I was so unwanted all of a sudden.
I wish you wouldn’t think of harming your self. When I was 13, I tried to strangle my self to death and now to think about it, it was so stupid of me doing that because now, my life is not at its best but you know what? I can say I’m contented and my life is now better.
I think not having a boyfriend means you’re ugly or whatever, I think its very nice to save that title for the guy that really love you (and not leave you just after a week of “going out”), understand you and will take care and not mistreat you. Don’t worry, I never had a boyfriend too, what I do is to focus my life into my studies and just enjoy life being a teenager
I think you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, everybody is special. Also everybody have flaws that sometimes that makes them special. Trust me, I bet your Vietnamamese friend also have flaws and problems too.
I’m so sorry if this is the only “advice” I can say but I hope it would help you in someways. I hope you’re going to be ok.
Hello, I two years older than you but I know your situation. My dad just left yesterday without saying anything to me. But he was yelling in the yard at my mum. While my dad was still here, he was a real bad alcoholic. It would always affect my mum and I emotionally. He would yell at us and we didn’t know if it was the truth or not. The drinking was bad on him too because he had some special medicine he had to take, and the medicine and alcohol isn’t a good combination. But my dad hasn’t been back yet and I know he isn’t going to ever want to talk to me again. When he was here I would go through the trouble of telling him things and he wouldn’t listen to me. But my mum loves me. She’s the only person who really understands my situation. I really feel like my dad doesn’t want me and also his family. Your dad loves you in his own little way, that’s why he asks if you can come over. He just wasn’t really taught how to care for children. I’m real sorry about what all has happened. Hope everything works out! Take care, God bless!