Parents: how would you handle this?
Question by jenni: Parents: how would you handle this?
My ex is in the army. I use the term ex loosely, as we had a fling, and ended up with a child together. We both get along great. We have both moved on and started our own families, about 600 miles or so apart.
My ex, although he sends child support each month, never gets to wound up about visiting our 6yr old. I have tried to make arrangements to take our son to see him, and have been told that arrangements have been made to come here to see our son… there is always a reason for a change of plans. The last time my ex saw our son was when he was 2 (so 4 almost 5yrs!), and at that time I flew to Texas.
“Mike” is currently in Iraq, and coming home the end of this month to see the birth of his new baby. His wife emailed me and asked if I could bring our son down to visit at that time. I entertained the idea for a bit, but then realized that during the birth of a new baby it probably wasn’t the best of times to go for a visit. I cordially thanked her for the invite and told her that I thought that it wasn’t a good time, as they would have their hands full with a new baby, people visiting and trying to get in as much time together as possible before he goes back to Iraq. I also said that I would prefer during a visit that our son be the focus of his daddy’s attention. I thought I was being fair and understanding to the needs of a military family. She then retorts “fine, just suit yourself, your the one that always wants Mike to see YOUR son!”
I didn’t really have a problem with this woman until now. I feel like telling her, no YELLING at her, that I have went out of my way to try to get my son and his daddy together to be shot down, or had a change of plans (one year my husband and I were driving down there to only get a call that they wouldn’t be available because of an emergency, then a few days later there were pics on facebook of them camping– some emergency). She thinks that the $ 400 a month Mike sends is too much. (I don’t know if she realizes if we went to court I could get much more, but instead would rather try to work things amongst ourselves). She has told Mike’s sister and mother that MY son is in to many activities, that Mike shouldn’t have to split costs with me (such as school and some extracuriculars) and that if my son is going to be in activities that are for boys (my son prefers swimming and tennis, which I guess she considers girl sports, IDK).
I have kept my cool for a while. Now I feel I am about ready to boil over. His daddy has only called him twice since being in Iraq, and when my son puts something on his facebook wall he tends to not respond, but will respond to silly group posts, and his wife’s posts almost daily, so it isn’t like he is to busy. Am I supposed to change our summer plans to take my son there (over 600miles away) when generally where he won’t be the focus of attention and our efforts are not reciprocated in the least bit?
I also think “Mike’s” wife is trying to start stuff (i’m trying to remain an adult and haven’t said anything else to her, except “I’m sorry you feel I’m being ugly about this and I would like to thank you again for the invitation”…. she keeps posting ugly comments on her facebook page, and Mike’s facebook page. What do you think?
Best answer:
Answer by Dalton & Kaiah’s Mommy
Well, I actually am siding with you on this one. Normally I am all for visitation. However, the birth of his new child is going to be the center of his attention and not your son. I think your son after finally being able to see his dad will be more upset that he is being ignored for his new baby. A child’s activities should be something they enjoy or want to learn. Not what one parent thinks they should be doing. She is only seeing that the money being sent to you is money that they don’t have. She knew this going in so if she has a problem let her. If she continues to complain you can always say well, if you and him split how much would their child be worth? I am sure she would want her kid taken care of if (god forbid) they weren’t to make it.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
I would respond “you are right, I do want Mike to see OUR son, and as soon as Mike is ready to do that, have him call me”. If Mike wants your son to visit during the time he is home, let Mike make and pay for the travel arrangements and you just stay out of it. Clearly, no arrangement will be made so it won’t be a problem. Write to Mike separately, explaining your actions and saying that you don’t want to come between him and his new family so he should please contact you when he wants to see his son. Explain that you don’t want to fight with his wife that she is not nice to you and that you are stopping all contact with HER in his absence. Reiterate that he is welcome to see his son when ever he wants.
I am saying to write Mike separately because no matter what you say to his wife, she will probably not tell him, or twist your words around… so you need to speak to him, not her.
Take the higher ground always. You’re right a new baby would be taking a lot of attention away from your son and your son could get jealous of that attention… which could cause more problems. I also think you don’t need contact with her. You don’t need to be friends on facebook with her. People know she’s being ugly so let her hang herself socially speaking you need not comment. You don’t have to see it either. You can block her. It’s understandable if you need to have a way to contact your ex because you share a child. The arrangement you have for child support is between you and him and none of her business. You don’t need her blessing. As long as your son is getting what he needs and his father is being gracious about it that’s all you need. It’s a futile battle but always invite father and son meetings. Your son if he doesn’t will eventually understand that you encouraged father son time.