How is my story so far? Im 14 but answer me like im twice that ok?
A cool gentle breeze blew by a beautiful Victorian house with crisp red paint peeling off the siding. Behind this house two dark colored geese dive for food in a small lake half-covered with lily pads.
Light laughter is heard from an open window with small white curtains and an oversized windowsill.
A very stressed old lady paces back and forth in her bedroom murmuring to herself. Her husband sitting on the bed looks up at her with shame. She looks back at him, rolls her eyes, and strides back out the door
.A young boy and his sister sit in the front yard looking at the clouds. The girl is about 6 years old with light brown hair and a white dress slightly too small.
The boy is much older most likely 14 or 15 but is similar in appearance of the girl leaning on him. He has dark brown hair and green eyes. He is wearing a blue shirt that says Rhode Island Summer Camp across the upper chest, and plaid shorts with a rip on the right leg.
“Lucy want to go for a swim?” said the boy, his voice barely audible. “Ya” the girl named Lucy replied. She stands up and begins walking towards the side of the grand house. “Hold on get your bathing suit, you’re not going swimming in your clothes” the boy said a bit louder this time. “Where is my bathing suit is it on the clothesline?” Lucy asked. The boy, distracted, ignored the voice of the 6 year old involuntarily. “Peter” said the girl as she looked over her shoulder. The boy the girl called Peter looked up and said “Wha..what?” “Where is my bathing suit?” Lucy asked once more. “Um…hanging up” said Peter, still slightly distracted.
Lucy ran up to the side of the house and began fiddling with the clothespins as Peter slowly walked towards the lake. Lucy, grasping her bathing suit runs inside.
Peter finally reached the lake and now is sitting perched up against a large rock. To an outsider it would look as if he were staring at the geese feeding in the lake.
But as the young girl ran up she knew something was wrong. “Peter” she says as she finally reaches him slightly panting. “Ya?” he replies. “What’s wrong are you sad?” the girl asked dreading the answer. His reply would be no I am fine but both of them know that he is unhappy with the foster home they live in.
“No I’m fine, just a little tired; you ready for a swim?” he says smiling. “Ya let’s go Mrs. Burson said not to swim for too long or you’re not eating dinner” said Lucy ignoring the fact that her brother lied to her. “Oh don’t listen to her I’ll be back in a second I gotta go get my bathing suit, don’t go in the water till’ I get back K?” said Peter.
He began to walk towards the house, as Lucy spotted an old tree growing out of the water ideal for climbing. Lucy, curious as one could be looks back at her brother running towards the house. She looks back and decides that she is confident with her swimming ability, for it was not the tree was not that far out nor was the lake too deep.
She entered the chilly water with bare feet and her moderately new bathing suit. She began swimming, at first doing a half doggy paddle half breast stroke. She had no trouble moving through the water but then she started to realize that the tree was farther then she thought.
He body began to grow tired and she decided to head back. As she was turning around she felt something rubbing against her lower right leg. She broke into her own kind of crawl and swam as fast as she could. The thing that rubbed against her became slightly visible to her it was swimming just as fast as her and then suddenly grabbed her foot.
“Help! Peter! Help!” she screamed. She tried as hard as she could to shake the hand off but with no success. It was not pulling her under but wouldn’t allow her to move.
“Lucy!” Peter yells as he sees her struggling. He runs as fast as he can towards the lake. The cold hand pulls the girl under. She wastes her last breath on screaming and the hands grip tightens and pulls her farther under.
She struggles and sucks in water but with no success does she break free. Peter reaches the lake and jumps in and swims almost expertly with great speed. He comes to where Lucy went under and takes a deep breath and flips over and swims under.
The young girl’s foot is released and she floats up to the surface barely conscious. The human like figure is visible again and swims in front of Peter.
Peter not knowing Lucy was free continues searching desperately but when the thing crosses in front of him it grabs him by the ankle and pulls him under, the same as it did with Lucy, but with greater force.
He fights as hard as he can but the monster is still winning. He tries to get a look at the thing but the water is too murky and dark to see anything. He continues struggling and finally breaks free.
At this point he had run out of
i know the point of veiw kinda sucks it keeps switching im gonna fix that but just grade me on the writing itself
this is the rest of it after the (at this point he had ran out of…of oxygen and was gasping for more but only water surrounded him. He almost reaches the surface but the monster grabs him by the ankle once more.
Peter is pulled down again and then finally passes out due to lack of oxygen. The fleshy hand disappears along with Peter’s motionless body.
haha i didnt realize the thing about narnia
Plus the only character thats gonna be in the rest of the book is peter


Okay, well I think this has potential, but I would take it out of the present tense, because it gives it a precarious feeling, and put it into past tense. (So the geese ‘dove’, not dive, and Lucy swam, not swims) Also, it’s a little fragmented for my liking. You might want to make it flow a little more by adding more detail, more dialogue, or at least having a character say something that might tie the fragments together, for example, “I wonder what Peter and Lucy are doing…”
Also, Lucy shouldn’t say ‘ya’ so much, or at least spell it ‘yeah’. It’s not a rule so much as it makes the work easier to read.
um…looks like it cut off in the last sentence. but, so far it seems like it could end up being a really good story.
instead of the old lady being ” very stressed” maybe you could say she looks”troubled” or “disheveled”, i just don’t like the “very” part i guess. also, it might help if you don’t have them say”ya” as much, maybe just spell out “yeah” or “yes”. i think you should try getting the story to flow a bit better.
i like the story so far and hope you will finish it:)
It sounds really good, but I have a few points.
-Maybe you should bring the older couple into the story later? Because you kind of just talk about them and then go into Peter and Lucy’s story.
-Speaking of Peter and Lucy, I think you should change their names, because in C.S. Lewis’s series The Chronicles of Narnia, two of the main characters are siblings name Peter and Lucy.
-Make sure that you don’t use ‘K’ and ‘Ya’, since they are not technically words.
-Be sure to use proper punctuation and grammar: I noticed that you lacked a ? and a few commas in a couple areas.
-Try to stay in one verb tense. This is hard for a lot of writers. For instance, if you are writing your story in past tense, you can’t say, “She struggles and sucks in water…” You must say, “She struggled and sucked in water…” You must maintain one tense throughout the entire story.
Your plot has a lot of room to grow and blossom into a great story, so keep on writing!
You change tenses in your first paragraph. Then you do it again later. Pick a tense and stick with it.
You introduce us to these two old people and then don’t do anything with them. Why is she stressed; why is he ashamed?
You’re doing a lot of scene-setting but not doing so well with the character introductions. Too much description, not enough action; I don’t care what they’re wearing unless it has something to do with the plot or says something interesting about them as a character. And then when the boy speaks, you don’t put a comma after Lucy’s name, so it looks like he’s addressing her in the third person. If that’s what you were going for, then fine, but right now it just looks like an error.
When a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph. You have a lot of technical errors here, and, frankly, it wasn’t interesting enough for me to do more than skim to the end. Sorry. :/