Before I start, ill tell you, that I’m only 14 years old.. But my situation is a little complicated.. I think.

I’ve always felt a little unwanted.. I mean as far back as I can remember.
My parents divorced when I was 3. I lived 2weeks/2weeks back and forth between mum&dad.
My dad was the type where he took me camping and swimming a lot, outside stuff, but often he was in his computer room, with the door closed, while I entertained my self in our small trailer 30minutes out of town. I remember walking in on him watching p*rn quite a few times. He also went through a lot of girlfriends, I can name 7 from the time I was 5 until now.. until about 2 years ago, when his current girlfriend was out of town, and I was in his care, we would drive to an ex’s house to ‘visit’. Then they would go into the bedroom for a couple hours, to ‘talk’. I learn about sex when I was about 5, so I knew what they were doing.. heard them.. found the lube in her room. So while they did that, I would sit on the couch in her living room. It was a 2 room cabin. Now he hasn’t done that for a long time, but I gave up living with him a few months ago.. he turned out to be very manipulative, and horrible emotional to me… not in big lash outs, but little things at different times, like he was getting at something bigger.. Hard to explain, but I ended up just feeling absolutely horrible every minute I was there.
So when I left, he moved with his girlfriend to the next town over. his girlfriend of 5 years. I love her and her family, like they are my own, since I have no siblings.. But I was born when my parents were 41, so my ‘step-sisters’ are more like aunts, and their kids are more like the step-siblings. I now see my dad about twice a month, once for a weekend, and the other time for lunch. Every time we go for lunch, we have the same conversation.
‘Are you coming to visit this weekend?’
‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘so you’re not willing to make a commitment is what you’re saying? You’re just going to wait it out, and if something more important than your father comes out, then they come first.?’
‘dad, no. and you always do that, you’re very manipulation.’
‘no,no, do NOT change the subject.’
Then it goes somewhere from there.
My mum is the (or was the) complete opposite.. very clingy and overprotective.. she had about 7 miscarriages before I was born and after.. so she’s very protective. She’s lived with my step-dad for 10 years. They argue all the time now, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s usually my mum’s fault. for example, Today, they were sitting on the deck, and she stormed inside, mad as hell, because step-dad asked her to “help him pick out what kind of pizza to offer. CANT HE MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS BY NOW??!!” and when she’s mad at him, she’s mad at me, and points out all my flaws.. I feel like I always need to say the right thing, to keep them happy, but I don’t want to take sides.
Which brings me to my next point.
I’ve always been ugly.. I’ve had image problems since first grade.. it got really bad in second grade when my mum told me I was fat.. and until 3 years ago which up until then my dad and step-mum talked about my weight problem in the living room, while I was down the hallway in my bedroom. I told him I could hear him, and he responded “It’s none of your business, don’t do things we can talk about then”. People say I’ve slimmed out, I think they’re just saying that to be nice though.
I also feel bad, that I’ve never had a boyfriend. i mean, I know how crazy young we are for that, but, people my age have been dating since the age of 8.. if you can call that dating. The point is not having a boyfriend, It just sits in the back of my mind, why people have been already expressing feelings about each other for 6 years, I cant help but think there is something wrong with me.. I mean.. why haven’t I been included in this?
It got even worse this year, I met a girl, who I became really great friends with, but i’ve started to get jealous.. worst thing in a friendship, right? She is Vietnam,the nicest girl ever, shes like a mum, not boy obsessed or anything, just takes care of her little siblings all the time. She is so beautiful though, and she just takes it for granted.. people she doesn’t even know admire her, for her looks and brains, a group of people she’s never even met call her a ‘Chinese kitten’.. because she is so delicate and pretty.. I feel like im always being compared to her. Even my dad has compared me to her. And I know she would feel horrible if she knew that..
I know there was very much more that wanted to say.. I cant remember now.. maybe Ill edit later. But overall, I feel so useless and unwanted.. my dad treats me like nothing, my mum is protective but at the same time always puts me down..
I feel like I will never be wanted, or loved, no one will even ever wonder “he, I wonder ho Jennifer’s doing”
I know it’s wrong to change for people, but I’m obviously doing something wrong.
How can I improve myself? My personality?